Everybody knows that Twitter is the new bar/cafeteria/gynecology symposium in which thousands of voices try their best to be heard. A cacophony of ideas, political opinions, jokes, and sometimes just sounds are thrown into the inter-either in hopes of gaining some sort of traction. Here is a little guide to help put chains on the winter tires of your tweetings.
1. Talk openly about your problems.
Got an extra nipple or toe? The Internet wants to hear about that. Don’t trust your landlord because he constantly refers to himself in the third person? A lot of people can relate to that. You’ve given yourself the nickname ‘Crazy Bowels’? Get that crap out there.
In the biz, we call this “car accident tweeting,” because everybody loves to look. Those who say they don’t are either liars or they were born without eyes.
2. Use your illusion (a.k.a. bitch about magic).
Throw away reason. Pick a mania and go with it. Mine? Everything unexplainable is magic. Hell, everything you don’t even understand is magic. Higgs boson particle? Magic. Left-handedness? Magic. Smiling in your sleep? Magic.
3. Start every tweet with a statement about not wanting to sound a certain way, then sound that way…hard.
“I don’t want to sound anemic, but I’d love to blast a couple litres of plasma into me.”
“I don’t want to sound racist, but the Etruscans. Seriously, what’s up with Etruscans?”
“I don’t want to sound like a drunken 14th century mercenary, but fuck Charles the Wise, to death…a lot.”
4. People love selfies of sneezes.
That doesn’t need anymore explanation (pro-tip: don’t take a picture of a pet sneezing though; it will break the Internet).
5. Tweet inspirational porn with reckless abandon.
First of all, it’s far easier than actually committing to changing your life for the better. Why do when you can just say?
It is a scientific fact that for each inspirational quote or picture posted, you will get the equivalent of a cocaine high for at least 15 minutes. That’s like 15 minutes of fame without all the ridicule or effort or talent. 15 minutes in heaven as they say, or gregarious second-basing.
Anyway, post something like this:
Then, make sure your genitals are clean because the amount of Twitter cunnilingus/fellatio offered by twitizens is going to make you wish you had a spare set (of genitals).
6. Word mosaics about farts.
It’s how my mom met my dad. They’re still happily married.
7. Finally: be yourself. Except cooler and skinnier and wittier and with more friends. Actually, just start a spoof account. Offend as many peoples as you can, or pretend that you don’t care. Or buy a horse farm. Post pictures of the horses. That, my friends, is a sure-fire winner. Or not. But hey, at least you get horses.