“This chick is toast!” – A Ghostbusters parable

Written by Russ Dobler


“Okay, I’m Venkman.”

“No way, I’m Venkman!”

“Nah, you can be Winston.”

“Shut up, no one wants to be Winston!”

“Okay, then you’re Spengler. You like all that science junk.”


“So I’m Ray? Okay.”

“Yeah Dave, you’re Ray. Now let’s show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!”





“John Mencher again, huh?”

“Fucking asshole. Permanent marker doesn’t wash off.”

“That sucks, man.”

“What’s his fucking problem, anyway? I wear my Dr. Who shirt to school one time, and thinks he has to write ‘DORK’ on my forehead.”

“He’s a dick, man.”

“It’s bullshit. Where’s Dave; is he coming over to play Magic today?”

“Nah, he’s trying out for the football team, believe it or not.”


“I know, right? Cats and dogs, living together – mass hysteria!”

“They aren’t any fucking better. Glen Keyes and Fred Farmer pantsed me in gym class last week. Assholes.”




“I can’t believe we finally made it, guys!”

“Comic Con! Woooo!”

“Yeah! Do we have to keep playing the theme song, though? It’s kind of obnoxious.”

“Come on, Dave, we’ve earned the right to be obnoxious. These are our people! We never fit in at school, but at least now we have this.”

“Wow, you guys look awesome!”

“Thanks, man!”

“Did you walk here from the train like that? Weren’t you worried?”

“Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.”

“Haha, you guys RULE!”


“Wow, look at how many people are here.”

“Too many people, if you ask me. Why the fuck was there a ‘Glee’ panel?”

“Comic Con’s become too commercial, man.”

“Holy shit, a Winston!”

“Uh, hi.”

“Hey. That’s not how the patch looked.”


“The patch. Their names were in all caps.”

“Oh … sorry?”

“Don’t worry about him, man. Is this your first Comic Con?”

“Yeah, I finally – “

“It’s our sixth. Don’t know if we’ll come back next year, though, it’s way too mainstream now.”

“I still got my Hellblazer #25 signed by Grant Morrison.”

“Cool! Who else –“

“Let’s head over to the food court, guys. I’m hungry and I need to sit down.”


“We made it, you guys!”

“Yeah! But why did that cop on the subway look at my proton pack for an EXTRA long time?”

“Don’t worry about it, Tamicka. We’re here now.”

“Anne, did you see there’s a ‘Bates Motel’ panel tonight?”

“I know! And Jason Aaron –“

“[distantly] You’re not the real Ghostbusters.”



“Da fu –“

“[closer now] You’re not the real Ghostbusters. That movie should have never been made. Stupid Hollywood –“

“Come on, man …”

“No, shut up, Dave. Comic Con used to be for real outsiders, people who cared about the genres. Kristen Wiig isn’t even Chinese, you know.”

“I … know? I just like –“

“Do you even read comics?”

“My pull list –“

“Come on, Jenny, you don’t have to talk to him.”

“Yeah, you better walk away. Go back to your own stuff!”

“What the hell is that guy’s problem? I’m used to taking shit like that at home, but I thought here –“

“Fuck ‘em; don’t worry about it. I guess there’s gonna be people like that everywhere. Assholes.”


This story inspired by Devin Faraci’s essay, “Ghostbros Ruined My Childhood,” on Birth. Movies. Death. Be more like Dave.

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